Keep Calm and Google It

What Did We Do Before Google?

PJ O'Rourke remarked that for those who are always sighing for a return to the romantic past of horse-drawn carriages and a slower pace of life, he had only one word: "Dentistry!"  To that I would add: hot showers, antibiotics, tampons, TimTams  and votes for women. But I would trade all of those modern miracles (well, maybe not the TimTams) for the boon that Larry Page and Sergey Brin have bestowed upon the world: Google!

Here are just a few more of Google's accomplishments that I have discovered lately:

The Timer
A scenario that happens far too often in my house: I put something on the stove to simmer. Rather than stand in the kitchen staring at the pot for the next twenty minutes,  I wander off to my computer. Half an hour later, I smell burning.  

But that is all behind me now that I have discovered that I can type: set timer 20 minutes into the Google search box and voila! Twenty minutes later my computer emits a shrill beeping. By the time I have figured out how to switch it off, the thing has burnt anyway. But that's just me.

Happy Holidays

Arranging a trip? Need to know what dates holidays fall on? Whatever country you want to travel to, type in "Good Friday 2015" or "Canada Day" or "Thanksgiving" … Google is like Father Christmas, it goes everywhere.

What was that song again?

Type in "Songs by Lady Gaga" or "Songs by Justin Bieber' of even "Songs by Max Bygrave", and up comes a comprehensive list so you can find the one that you kept humming but couldn't remember its name.

I know the author, and there's a tree on the cover, but the title escapes me …

Even easier. "Books by Martin Amis", "books by Joseph Conrad" – up comes a lovely row of dust jackets. It doesn't have to be a famous author – Google even knows all the books by Shane Warne, for goodness' sake.

The Margaret and David Special

Type in "john ford films" or "marilyn monroe films" for a lovely row of movie posters for that director or actor. "Magnificent seven cast" will give you a row of head shots of all the actors who were in the cast. I can never remember the seventh Magnificent One at pub quiz!

Early to bed and early to rise …

I don't really know why anyone would want this information, but Google can tell you the time of sunrise and sunset for any town in the world. Of course it is a lovely toy and a useful timewaster … type in "Sunrise Melbourne Australia". 6:52am, says Google in a flash. Didn't even have to think about it. I wonder what about Melbourne, USA? Hah! They slept in. Lazy bludgers – sun only rose at 6:57am there! And so on, until I smell burning from the kitchen. Should have set the timer!  

Food Wars

What are the relative calories, carbs and sugar in two foods? Should I have potato or sweet potato? Ice cream or chocolate? Given a choice of green beans and chocolate, what would be the healthier option? Type in "green beans vs chocolate" and see what wishful thinking gets you.  Note: v doesn't do it, you have to put vs between the two contenders.

Rainman

We all know Google is a calculator, and it should be old hat, but I just love telling it "6% of 3462" and watching the answer appear faster than Dustin Hoffman could come up with it. Of course Google doesn't stutter, but still.

Who needs Sadie if they have Google?

Would you prefer to put your feet up and read a book rather than vacuum? Type in "vacuum the living room" and Google will extrude a small robot vacuum cleaner … no, not really. But who knows. I can remember, as a child helping my mum with the washing up and saying: "Wouldn't it be nice if there was a machine to do this …" How we laughed.

And once you have finished playing with Google, type in "zerg rush". The yellow and red letters O from Google will float onto your screen and eat everything on it. You can try and shoot them down by clicking on them, but that will only slow them up a bit. Soon your screen will be blank except for a triumphant GG formed by the victorious Os. Play again? Maybe my shooting will improve. Wait! Do I smell burning?

Don't Look, Myrtle!

Manet: Luncheon on the Grass (detail)

One man's art is another man's abomination.  Some works inspire fear and loathing in the general public, only to be hailed later as masterpieces. Others remain on the hate list for ever.  There are various reasons for objecting to works of art, so let's look at a few examples:

It's scandalous, immoral and just not decent!
John Singer Sargent's Madame X is the poster girl for this category. Sargent painted Madame Virginie Gatreau standing in profile, leaning on a table. In the original version, the jewelled strap of her dress is falling off her right shoulder. The portrait caused outrage among public and critics alike. Sargent did paint the strap back on her shoulder, in a vain attempt to clean the "pornographic" image up a bit, but to no avail.

The shock/horror factor seems to have been caused as much by Mme X's décolletage and her extreme pallor, as by the strap falling off her shoulder. Virginie was in the habit of powdering her neck, arms and shoulders with powder to which a violet tinge had been added, suggesting a louche touch of unhealthy languor.  Vampires! Drugs! Sex! Sargent eventually had to relocate to London to escape the scandal. Madame X is now in the Metropolitan Museum in New York, one of their priceless treasures.

Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Work of Satan! 
Albrecht Durer, (he of the famous pen-and-ink Praying Hands) was fond of a selfie: he made many self-portrait drawings, slipped self-portraits into some of his paintings and painted three lovely self-portrait oils. The third of these (1500) copped a lot of flak in the "Blasphemy!" category.

At that time, a profile or three-quarters view was the accepted norm for a secular portrait: the full frontal was reserved for divine figures. Durer's self-potrait bore a strong resemblance to the conventional representation of Christ: long hair, the direct gaze and the hand lifted as if in blessing.  (Holbein got away with painting Henry VIII in full-length frontal view in 1536, but only because the king insisted on that rather confrontational pose. No shrinking violet, King Henry!)

Yuck! Quick, Nurse, the kidney bowl!
In London in 1972, I saw performance artist Ben McGowan sit in a tub of pig's entrails. Unfortunately for me, I caught the exhibition on Day Three. Had I gone to the opening day, the smell might not have reach hazmat potency yet. They were not so particular about Occupational Health and Safety in 1972.  Luckily the exhibit was only on view for a week. I don't know how long it took to decontaminate the artist.

Tracey Emin: My Bed

Less ephemeral is Tracey Emin's "My Bed", which was exhibited at the Tate in 1999 as one of the shortlisted works for the Turner Prize. Had that been my unmade bed, I would have removed the stained knickers, the used condoms and the empty vodka bottle before I called The Man With A Van to take it to the Tate for all to see. This artwork generated a lot of uproar, because it combined the Yuck factor with the next category, which is …

They paid HOW MUCH for that thing??!!

The Saatchi Gallery bought My Bed for £150,000.  When it was auctioned by Christie's in 2014, it was bought by German businessman Christian Duerckheim for £2.54 million. It is currently in the Tate, on a ten-year loan from Herr Duerckheim.

Picasso: Weeping Woman

Two HOW MUCH?! art works in an Australian context, are Picasso's Weeping Woman, for which the NGV shelled out $1.6 million of taxpayer's money, and Jackson Pollock's Blue Poles, for which the National Gallery of Australia paid $1.3 million. Outrage, shock and horror at the time, but over the years, public opinion has veered to "what a bargain!"

Pollock: Blue Poles

A couple of prime examples of the HOW MUCH?! / Yuck / Blasphemy!-combo are Piss Christ by Andres Serrano, depicting a small plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of the artist's urine, and Chris Ofili's The Holy Virgin Mary, a painting of a black madonna surrounded by lumps of elephant dung and images of genitalia cut from porn magazines.

Serrano: Piss Christ (detail)

Cardinal Pell threw a hissy fit when the NGV exhibited Piss Christ, and Mayor Rudi Giuliani freaked and brought a lawsuit when the Brooklyn Museum of Art exhibited the black madonna.

Ofili: The Holy Virgin Mary

Despite death threats and public demonstations, Serrano received $15,000 for the Christ from the taxpayer-funded National Endowment for the Arts. Ofili sold his Madonna to David Walsh for an undisclosed sum and it is currently on display at his Museum of Old and New Art in Hobart, Tasmania.

Manet: Luncheon on the Grass

Who is to say what is art and what is abomination? Manet's Dejeuner sur L'Herbe, Robert Mapplethorpe's beautiful homo-erotic photographs, Whistler's Nocturnes or Cosimo Cavallaro's My Sweet Lord (a life-size, anatomically correct Jesus, sculptured in chocolate) … love them or despise them?

My Blue Ribbon for Dubious Taste has to go to that soppy piece of Victorian schlock, John Millais' Bubbles. But that's just me.

Millais: Bubbles

 

How To Live Forever

Mary Cassatt frequently used Sara,
a little girl form her local village,
as a model.

Never mind the Philosopher's Stone. The road to immortality lies through the palette of a great painter. The models of the Masters live for centuries.
Sometimes the models are anonymous: Carvaggio chose his models from the streets of Rome – the saints we see, may be pickpockets or prostitutes or respectable citizens: we'll never know the stories behind the faces that look at us across a five hundred year gulf.

Rembrandt: Two Old Men Disputing
NGV, Melbourne

Some nameless regulars we come to recognise, like the old man who sat for St Peter in Rembrandt's Two Old Men Disputing, a treasure of the NGV. Both Rembrandt and Jan Lievens, with whom he shared a studio in Leiden, used the old bearded guy numerous times – he is always popping up in their work as various saints, apostles and prophets. Walk into any great art museum that has a Rembrandt or a Lievens, and you are likely to spot the venerable patriarch. He was probably just an old pensioner from the almshouse down the road, making a few stuivers by posing for the lads in the studio … little did he know that his real wage was not the few coins, but immortality.

Suzanne Valadon (Renoir)

Suzanne Valadon (Renoir)

Many of the models of the Impressionists have colourful stories. Suzanne Valadon was both a model and an accomplished painter in her own right.  She started her career as a circus performer, but after a bad fall, she took to modelling.  She was a favourite model of Renoir, who painted her many times. Degas encouraged her to paint and gave her lessons.

The job description of Model To The Impressionists did seem to include bedmate-duties. Suzanne is the mother of the painter Maurice Utrillo, but his paternity is uncertain. She told Miguel Utrillo, a Spanish artist for whom she had also posed, that she was pregnant but that she was unsure who the father was. He willingly signed a legal document acknowledging paternity, saying 'I would be glad to put my name to the work of either Renoir or Degas!'

Symphony in White
(Whistler)

Jo Hiffernan, "La Belle Irlandaise", was 'n beautiful Irish woman who modelled for some of Whistler's most famous paintings, notably the Symphony in White. She was his mistress for years, until he left her for a younger model (as they do). This was Maud Franklin, by whom Whistler had two daughters, leaving her in the lurch when she was pregnant with the second child. Still, perhaps the distress she suffered was worth it: still pretty after 150 years, Maud lives on in the Freer Gallery in Washington, as  Arrangement in White and Black.

Arrangement in Black and White
(Whistler)

After Whistler left Jo, she kindheartedly took in and raised his son Charles, who was the issue of a brief fling he had with Louisa Hanson, a parlour maid. Not exactly a prince among men, Whistler, for all that he loved his mum.

Les Dormeuses (The Sleepers)
Gustave Courbet

Jo went on to model for (and sleep with) Gustave Courbet. She was the model for two of Courbet's most famous works, Les Dormeuses and The Origin of the World.  Both were notorious at the time: the former because of its lesbian theme, and the latter because it is a close-up of Jo's nether parts. They are no eyebrow raisers today – you can see much worse on the internet any time you like. And, sadly, so can your ten-year-old.

The Origin of the World
(Gustave Courbet)

Chloe
 

Marie was a Parisienne model who was famous enough at the time to be known by only the one name, like Madonna or Cher. She was nineteen when Jules-Joseph Lefebvre used her as the model for Melbourne's iconic Chloe. He also seduced her and then abandoned her, moving on to new conquests. Marie died at 21 in distressing circumstances, but as Chloe she graces the walls of Young and Jackson's, still full of charm and beauty after 150 years.

"Say Cheese!" ... Iconic Photographs



Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch



Photography has come along way since Louis Dagurerre started fiddling with his silver salts and iodine crystals in 1826. Thanks to technological advances, even beginners can turn out lovely photographs. There is no shortage of interesting and beautiful pictures for us to post online, where they ricochet back and forth endlessly between friends and strangers in e-mails and social media.

 

Among the countless images, there is a handful that absolutely stands out. Once seen, never forgotten. Here are some of them.

Man Ray's Le Violon d'Ingres (1933) is, as the title suggests, an homage to the painter: he pays tribute to the Ingres nudes, in particular The Bather and The Turkish Bath, but the photograph is also a visual pun that refers to the fact that Ingres was a talented violinist. Man Ray photographed the model Kiki in a turban, then painted the f-holes on the print and rephotographed it. Her arms are hidden, to emphasise the resemblance between the female shape and that of a violin.

Ingres: The Bather

 Also from the 1930s is the photograph by Charles C. Ebbets of eleven construction workers, nonchalantly  seated on a girder eating lunch, 260 meters above the streets of New York. The picture was taken in 1932, during the building of the RCA Building at Rockefeller Center. No safety harnesses: I suppose OH&S wasn't much of a concern back then. The country was in the grip of the Great Depression, and perhaps people were desperate enough for work to disregard safety issues.

You don't have to be an acrophobic to remember this one!

This photo, taken during the roundup of Jews after the Warsaw Ghetto uprising in 1943, is perhaps the most emblematic one of the Holocaust. The picture is part of the official SS report on the "police action", which consisted of the destruction of the ghetto and the transportation of the people to Treblinka, where they were gassed. 

The seven-year-old boy with his hands up (in case he attacked the soldier with the gun?) is an unforgettable and heart-wrenching image. Some of the faces in the picture, including the soldier pointing the gun, have been identified. The little boy's identity is still a mystery. He may or may not  be Arthur Chmiotak, gassed at Treblinka, or Tsvi Nussbaum, who survived and eventually reached the US via Israel. Over the years several fame-seekers have claimed to be the boy, but their stories have all been disproved.

The award-winning Afghan Girl by Steve McCurry is sometimes called "the Third World's Mona Lisa". The photograph was the cover picture of the June 1985 issue of National Geographic Magazine.  

Her identity remained a mystery until 2002, when a National Geographic team travelled to Afghanistan to try and find her. Until then, the country was pretty much closed to Western journalists by the Taliban.

She was positively  identified, through iris recognition technology, as Sharbat Gula, twelve years old when the picture was taken. At 14,  she was married off to Rahmat Gul, with whom she lives in their remote village in Afghanistan.

They have three daughters and Sharbat hopes that they may someday be allowed to get an education.  So do I.

A young photography student, Robert Wiles, took this photograph just minutes after Evelyn McHale leapt to her death from the Empire State Building in May 1947.

Wiles was struck by her beauty as she lay, like Snow White, in the "bier" that the impact of her body had sculpted out of the roof of a Cadillac. Contrary to what one would expect after a fall from such a great height, there is no blood, no mutilation. Her skirt is decorously in place, her eyes are closed and her face serene, as if she is asleep. One elegant white-gloved hand is touching her pearls.

Robert Wiles named the picture "A Beautiful Death". LIFE Magazine published it in that month's issue. The image captured the imagination of the public and was endlessly reproduced. Andy Warhol included it in his "Death and Disaster" series.

Evelyn's suicide was an enigma: she was 23 years old, recently engaged to be married, and the cryptic letter she left behind did not explain her motive, merely saying "Tell my father, I have too many of my mother’s tendencies.”  Ironically, she added: “I don’t want anyone in or out of my family to see any part of me. Could you destroy my body by cremation? I beg of you and my family – don’t have any service for me or remembrance for me." 

Evelyn was not to have her last wish. Her picture and the remembrance of her tragic beauty live on. 

There are so many more iconic photographs that have become part of our collective memory: the mushroom cloud of the first atom bomb; Sherpa Tensing on top of Mount Everest; our planet seen from the Moon, like a beautiful blue marble; Neil Armstrong in his space suit; Marilyn with her white dress billowing up; Jackie Kennedy with her husband’s blood on her pink suit; little John Kennedy saluting his father's coffin; The man with the shopping bag in Tiananmen Square; the sailor kissing the girl on the day WW2 ended; three Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima ... And how about the fire-fighter giving the koala a drink on Black Saturday in 2009?  Magic!

Painting Cats

It is at least five thousand years since cats graciously condescended to live among us. In that time, we have paid homage to their grace and beauty in art, music and literature. 

Great artists, from Leonardo to Picasso, have painted cats. For the delight of my fellow-ailurophiles, here are just a few of the painted cats that I like.

Giovanni Lanfranco: Young Man Lying on a Bed with a Cat (c.1620)
An enigmatic and provocative picture, thought to be a self-portrait. The young man's smile and direct gaze seem to hold an invitation, in an intriguing gender role reversal. The tone and feel of the painting is reminiscent of Velasquez's "Rokeby Venus" or Ingres' "Grande Odalisque".  The cat he is stroking, adds to the sensuous mood.

John Everett Millais: A Flood (1870)
             This painting was inspired by the story of a baby in its cradle, swept away by the water during a great flood disaster in Sheffield. The child seems unconcerned by the danger and is entranced by the birds in the branches above her. The cat, who has hitched a ride on this little ark, is fully aware of the peril and her mouth is open in a terrified miaow. True to Pre-Raphaelite form, the picture has a Biblical flavour, evoking both Moses and Noah.

 

Paul Gauguin: Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?  (1897) detail
This detail is from the huge (5’x 12’)  painting considered to be Gauguin's masterpiece. The painting is populated with figures symbolising our journey through life and the animals with whom we share the world. The fundamental questions about the meaning of life remain unanswered (unless you are a devotee of Douglas Adams, in which case you will know the answer is 42.) 

Pierre Auguste Renoir: Julie Manet (1887)
Julie was the daughter of Berthe Morisot and her husband Eugene Manet, younger brother of the painter Édouard Manet. As a child and an adult, she posed many times for her mother, her uncle and their Impressionist associates.
This portrait was done during the period when Renoir experimented with a style like that of Ingres, characterised by vivid colours, meticulous line and drawing, and an enamel-like finish. Julie herself thought it a good likeness, but Degas didn’t like it:  "by doing round faces, Renoir produces flower pots", he said.  

Sophie Gengembre Anderson, Awakening (1881)

Sophie, a Frenchwoman married to a Scot, lived in London where she was influenced by the Pre-Raphaelites. She specialised in children’s faces and genre pictures.  Some of her paintings veered toward the fey and faerie, so beloved of Victorian middle class taste. This double portrait of cat and girl, both gazing trustingly at the viewer, has an air of gentle affection. Her realistic style and genre subjects remind me of a Victorian Norman Rockwell. 

Suzanne Valadon: Study of a Cat (1919)
Suzanne Valadon, who modelled for and was the lover of many of the famous Impressionists (Dégas, Toulouse-Lautrec and Renoir among others), was a formidable artist in her own right. She painted landscapes, still lifes and female figures, frankly naked in an unashamed way that was shocking at the time.

She loved cats and painted many pictures of her own Raminou, including this one of him on the chair which looks so much like the one in Van Gogh's bedroom.

I can recommend "Suzanne Valadon: Mistress of Montmartre", by June Rose – an absorbing biography  of a fascinating woman. 

Mary Cassat: Sara Holding a Cat (c.1907-08)

Mary Cassat  was American but lived most of her adult life in Paris, where her art could flourish. With Berthe Morisot, she was one of Impressionism’s Grande Dames.

One usually associates  Cassat with "mother-and-child" pictures, but she also painted many single children, using children from her local village as models . She painted Sara several times, her sweet face and agreeable nature making her a perfect model.

Sara's gentle cuddling of the kitten and her tender look evokes Cassatt's leitmotif  of mothering.

 

Théophile Steinlen: Two Cats (1894) 
This picture of two elegant Art Nouveau cats is a poster by Steinlen for an exhibition of his prints and drawings. He worked closely with Toulouse-Lautrec and the two of them were the first great poster artists. Steinlen’s first and most famous poster (see top of page) is of the iconic black cat, advertising “Le Chat Noir”, the first nightclub/cabaret in Paris.

Giovanni Boldini: Girl with Black Cat (1885)

Like his contemporary, John Singer Sargent, Boldini was a fashionable portrait painter among the Great and the Good of Paris and London.

I love this picture, which is as much a portrait of the cat as of the girl. It is full of energy as she leans her weight backward to balance the rather large cat who is trying to escape from her arms. He already has one paw free and his stern gaze says: “Look out, I’m going to deploy claws any minute now!

I can recommend “The Cat in Art” by Steffano Zuffi. In it, you will find all the above cats and many more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Likely Lads



National Gallery, London

Anthony van Dyck

Lord John Stuart and his Brother, Lord Bernard Stuart  (c. 1638)

 

This pair of aristocratic siblings, cousins to King Charles I, were immortalised by Van Dyck in one of his superb life-size double portraits.  They were the youngest sons of  Esmé Stuart, third Duke of Lennox.

They sat for Van Dyck in 1638, when they were 17 and 18 years old. The paint was still wet when they left  England to make a three-year tour of the Continent: the traditional "Grand Tour"  that was de rigeur for scions of the nobility and wealthy landed gentry.

The boys came back from their quest for European culture just in time to join their regiments in the King's cause, at the start of the Civil War.

Lord John was given command of a cavalry brigade under the the Earl of Forth. On 28 March 1644 the Earl's army engaged the Parliamentarians at Cheriton Wood, near Winchester. In the ensuing battle, Lord John was slain.

 
Bernard was Commanding Officer of the Guards Regiment raised by King Charles I when civil war loomed. He distinguished himself at the battles of Newbury and Naseby, for which the king decided to create him Earl of Lichfield. Sadly, he did not live to receive the earldom: he was killed while leading a sortie against besieging forces at the Battle of Rowton Moor, on 24 September 1645.

Lord George Stuart

An older brother, George, whom Van Dyck had also painted, died of "grievous wounds" received in a pitched battle at Edgehill on Sunday 23 October 1642. All three brothers were 24 years old at the time of their deaths.

Anthony van Dyck was a dab hand at silk, lace and satin. Just look at his portrait of Rachel de Ruvigny, Countess of Southampton, in the NGV.  Those billows of shimmering blue satin! He was known to use hand models for the elegantly tapering fingers he invariably gave his sitters, but he was very good at depicting his subjects' facial features accurately, even if he sometimes flattered them a little. Have to please the paying customers!  

The Countess of Southampton
Antony van Dyck, NGV

The family resemblance here is unmistakable. The simple background sets off the young lords' aquiline features, confident poses and opulent garments. This picture puts me in mind of Stubbs' Whistlejacket, where he depicts the beautiful thoroughbred horse, with his rich, glossy chestnut coat, against a plain background. Van Dyck does the same with these two lads, who are just as beautiful, rich, glossy and highly pedigreed as the horse.

Whistlejacket by George Stubbs
National Gallery, London

They are the epitome of romantic, long-haired, swaggering cavaliers - Lord Bernard, on the right, looks down his nose in snobbish disdain. Lord John, a more introspective figure, is posed on a step to make him appear taller and more important than his junior.

Lord John's gold and bronze complements the silver and blue garb of Lord Bernard, just as his  smooth, long hair sets off the other's curls. Bernard turns back his cloak to display the silk lining, and he casually shows his kid gloves – both items were hideously expensive and a hallmark of wealth. An interesting fashion note is the flat sole connecting the high heels to the front of the shoe, to prevent sinking into the mud when walking outside.

Seeing these young men so arrogant and confident in the prime of their youth, it is tragic to know that they had only five years to live – despite their foppish appearance, they both died fighting bravely for King Charles.

 

To me, their portrait is just as poignant as the photographs of young Diggers on the eve of departure for Gallipoli, for Vietnam or for Afghanistan. Young, eager and confident ... at that age, they know they are bulletproof.  All the anxiety and apprehension is left to the mothers!